Random unproofread thoughts for the night.

I’m feeling a bit bummed this week and I’m not sure why exactly. I think it could be the customers I have to deal with all the time at work, the stress of the customers is compounded by the fucking moronic third party agents that my company insists on using despite them being technologically inept. I think I’m struggling with the passing of my grandad more than I thought I would as well. 

After my dad’s bday I talked to my mom about missing him and how it wasn’t the same without him there, I was crying the entire drive home hoping no-one in the car would mention it. I’m really interested in cosmology and recently I feel like I’ve been able to get a better understanding of just how deep deep time is. People throw around words like million and billion all the time but when you think about everything in context, whats 85 years on the cosmic time scale? Its nothing. 

I was talking to charlie the other day about the afterlife, we disagree on what happens after death, she’s of the opinion that there’s some form of consciousness that remains after death and me, well, I don’t think anything really changes. There will come a point where my body will break down enough for me to loose consciousness permanently, but death is a process, not an event. I don’t think its like a light switch where one moment you’re here, the next your in the biblical equivalent of the cloud city in Bespin. 

What makes me me will always be here, just because my body breaks down doesn’t mean that the matter that makes me changes or goes anywhere. My body will break down and will just get absorbed by other organic material. 

Lots of people have religious experiences and feel like theres life after death, but that just seems so unreasonable to me. Why are all these experiences culturally contextual? If someone died in 1302 BCE, does their spirit live on in some way? Does someone from 800 BCE find themselves in hades or elysium? Does ever common ancestor that we share live for ever?

I’m not even going to proof read this, consider this post a shotgun blast of crap thats on my mind fired directly into my blog. 

Pictures from Dad's birthday.

wut?

lol what is this I don't even know lolwut

Scotch pop'in

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One Big Al

I don’t even know where to really start, but my granddad died last week.

I’m trying to think of something really introspective to say, something profound that would make me feel better, but I got nothing. Everyone knows that things get better with time, but that mentality doesn’t do much for someone who focuses more on the here and now rather than the future. I guess I expected to feel relatively fine considering all the close calls we had over the last three years but this whole experience was nothing like what I thought it was going to be… its been really difficult and fatiguing. 

The lowest point so far was the day after he passed while I was eating breakfast by the window and looking out over the city. I’m on the 32nd floor so even if it’s not a clear day the view I get in the morning is truly something to behold. I was thinking about showing off my new place and then without even realizing I thought about how much my granddad would really like the view from my balcony. It was just for a split second but I forgot that he was gone and that moment of recollection felt like someone had deflated my heart. I haven’t cried that much in a really long time. 

After my granddads first big stroke I was really worried that I might not be able to tell him how I felt about him, and that initial shock spurred me into action. I got to tell him while he was still alive that if I can get to his age and be as half as good as man that he is, then I’ll have know that I made all the right decisions in life. My granddad was the effing best and I think everyone I ever met knew it. I think one of the things I liked best was the look on his face when the gears were turning in his head, he was a man with a lot of big words in his vocabulary but when those gears stopped turning he always had a torpedo of a rebuttal for any point I might have made in one of our debates. 

Everything I’ve tried to write here has just been so forced I’m not even going to bother to proof read this, but I’d also like to note that not everything is doom and gloom in my life. I’ve moved in with charlie, my hours at work are slightly better and I feel like I’m getting a better at photography  too. I’m so happy that big al was my granddad, I’m going to miss him so much. 

I also wanted to take some shots of my grandads house, they might be kinda boring to most people but they all mean a lot to me.