The year of 2010 was probably the worst year of my life. I’m no different from anyone else because everyone goes through bad parts of their life, some of my friends seem to have have had hard lives all together, but for me 2010 was a pretty bad time. It was around this time last year that I got it into my head that I should write a big long facebook post about how bad of a time it was, I wanted to get everything off my chest and I wanted everyone to know how close they were to never seeing me again (I didn’t plan on killing my slef, I was planning on moving.) Every time I tried to write what was on my mind I could only get about two or three paragraphs in before I found my self trying too hard to reconstruct what things actually were, everything I wrote felt so forced and I never posted anything. I’m not sure if it was because I was so tired, or if I was feining an understanding of things I didn’t really understand, but nothing ever seemed right to me.
The closest I got to sharing my feelings as a whole was on newyears eve, we were on the rooftop of my friends condo and I said that it was the end of the worst year of my life. One of my friends said that it wasn’t really the worst year of my life, but I don’t think he really understood how I felt. The whole night was very depressing actually, you know that feeling when you get off a train and you go into your pocket to get your phone, realize its not there, feel that deep terrible feeling come over you and then realize that your phone is really in another pocket? That lightswitch like feeling of reliefe that washes over you in an instant was what I was expecting on newyears. I was expecting thats as soon as the clocks struck twelve I’d immediately feel better but that feeling never came. Instead I just resorted to my usual way of feeling better and drank harder. It helps, in a way, but not a very good way. I’ve kicked the habit.
Anyways, I think part of the biggest reason why I never posted any part of how I felt was because I knew the people who would read it wouldn’t be the people that I wanted to read it, and the people who did either wouldn’t care or were already aware of some aspect of what I was going through. I wanted to painstakingly talk about the breakup, something that I don’t think I handled very well, I wanted to talk about how much I hated my extended families religiosity, I wanted to talk about how I felt everyone who was close to me was either physically drifting apart or in various ways. I wanted to move away to the other side of the country and not tell anyone that I was leaving, I wanted to forget about the guy that I saw splattered all over the fucking highway, I wanted to forget about all of my academic shortcomings. When I tried to write about it, nothing ever seemed right.
I don’t plan on writing about any of that now, whats in the past is done and theres very little I can do about it now. Now, looking back on 2011 I think my biggest problem over this year is that I’ve either been too afraid of making the wrong decisions, so much so that I abstained from making any big ones at all, or that I’ve been bust making excuses for my self not to do the things I wanted. Another thing that I haven’t really liked about this year is was my lack of romantic success, all the girls that I’ve liked either lived too far away, met while I was away, are emotionally unavailable, or just seem generally uninterested in me. Thats all ok I guess, I suppose being single does have its benefits. I didn’t really have a plan for what I wanted to write here, so if you’ve made it this far thankyou for reading. I feel like 2012 is going to be a good year for me.
I have a few friends who write blogs like yourself, and they are awesome writers, so while I tend to avoid blogs in general, I also wanted to skim through yours. I wasn't necessarily planning to put a comment on any one entry you wrote, but this one really struck me. I decided that I needed to comment, and there was no choice in the matter.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say thank-you Matt.
Thank-you for writing something as honest as this.
I have a terrible habit (atrocious really)of believing that everybody else's happiness comes both easier and more consistent than my own. We all get wrapped up in our own issues, our own life and the shit that comes with it, but I spend so much time and energy viewing myself as a hot mess most of the time.
And I have been jealous of you ever since getting to actually know you a bit (and I still don't that much, really). I have met few people in my life that seem as comfortable in their own skin as you, as effortless. You seem to take joy in the little things, live in the moment, genuinely recognize that having plans can be SUPER overrated, and most importantly, you have a great sense of humour about yourself. This is a strength beyond all measure.
It greatly helps me to know that you, someone I look up to in this respect, someone who has at least successfully tricked me into believing that your choices in life are deliberate, and that you actually know what the fuck you're doing, and what all 'this' is about, (whereas I feel my manual of life came through the mail in god damn Hebrew) struggles. I can honestly forget at times, too often to admit without embarrassment, that we are all crazy, and we all struggle. We are all a mess, and none of us know what the bloody fuck we're doing.
It helps to know that you've resorted to quick-fixes for the blues, like drinking, that you've gone through heartache, and aren't sure how well you handled it (as I also wonder about myself), have family issues (even though seeing your family can actually physically hurt me sometimes, with how much I envy the closeness, I can't even begin to describe how jealous it can make me), have felt alone and that friends have drifted (the painful crossroads I am currently facing) and have felt like a failure, not good enough (academic or otherwise), and that you have felt indecisive and hesitant to go after what you want (something I NEVER would have guessed being a problem of yours).
Thank-you for reminding me to be less fucking hard on myself.
If you struggle, then I'm proud to struggle too.
--The Temple.
I hope you have a better go of it this time around!